4 Communication Myths That Plague First Responders’ Families
If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say, “I don’t bring work home with me” or “I try to separate work from home” then I’d be, well, probably still be doing exactly what I’m doing right now, which is writing…but with more change.
Although the West is slowly—and painstakingly!—coming to realize that pathologizing symptoms to the mind leaves out a rather significant portion of the body therefore rendering diagnosis an incomplete picture, there are still many people who believe that somehow they can disconnect or separate the different parts of them. For example, there’s the idea that we need to leave “work at work” and not bring it home, as if somehow we don’t span both boundaries. While the intent here is noble—to “save” the spouse the gory details of life on the job—it’s not only unhealthy, but also impossible. The main demographic I’m speaking to here are first responders, but this also applies to active-duty military, business leaders, and entrepreneurs who shut themselves down because their spouse “just wouldn’t understand.” Hell, I even heard this recently from a surgeon.
The problem with differentiating the self (not to be confused with the same family system construct named by Murray Bowen) is that it denies the full self. What I mean is, it denies the parts of you that make you who you are. By compartmenting hidden aspects of self, you learn to hide, deny, and be blind to reality, which is comprised of your full being and presence (or presents). Compartmentalization makes for great operators, but terrible civilians (speaking from experience, here).
Second, from a family systems perspective, leaving “work at work” inhibits spousal communication. Your spouse didn’t marry you to only hear from the “good” parts of you; s/he married you to hear from and connect with all of you. By cherry-picking only the pleasant topics of conversation, you remove the emotional space where true connection lay. Think of it this way, when was the last time you ever connected with somebody who was invulnerable? (hint: the right answer is “never”). You can’t connect with somebody who lives behind a closed door. Talking about your day—the good and bad—allows you both to navigate that emotional space and develop the trust and resiliency that allow couples to thrive—together.
I also want to highlight that compartmenting or being emotionally avoidant isn’t just a byproduct of one’s occupation, either. Rather, it’s typically a behavioral pattern learned in childhood that explains why one chooses a profession that subjugates emotion. We learn behavioral patterns as children to keep ourselves safe, but we unfortunately missed the memo when we entered adulthood that we no longer need to run those patterns. Examples include learning emotional avoidance from parents who ignored or invalidated their child’s feelings (“You’re not angry!” “This is nothing to cry over!” “Stop crying!”) or learning anxious behavior from parents who only intermittently tended to their child’s needs (this is the Stage 5 Clinger you dated who was always in your sh*t).
I haven’t been counseling first responders very long and I sure have a lot more to learn, but in the short time that I have counseled them as individuals and as couples, I’ve picked up on a few communication myths. Here are four of them. See if they apply to you, too.
Myth #1: “When I’m home, I’m home. That means there’ll be no shop talk.”
While there is a certain truth to this, it’s also exactly part of the problem. It’s true in the sense that we all need a break from work; an opportunity to relax and stop putting on the façade of Work Jeff (or whatever your name is). The problem is this brick wall of emotion is impossible to keep standing. People only think the job doesn’t follow them home, but it always does. They only imagine it doesn’t.
By trying to create this artificial separation between oneself and work, you only create communicative confusion between you and your spouse. What happens is you turn to your spouse for emotional support for some things while shutting down and clamming up for others, thus creating an emotional teeter totter that weighs down the whole house.
Myth #2: “They just won’t understand.”
I’ll be the first to admit that I held this exact belief as a SEAL. And quite honestly, it’s true. Nobody could ever possibly understand the demands, the gratification, the belonging, or the rush of that job unless they’re a SEAL. Nobody. But, again, there’s also a problem with this mindset. By shutting down and avoiding communication all together, you shut down intimacy and connection and create emotional distancing in the family. You begin to see your coworkers/team/department as your real family because they’re the only ones you can relate to, and in doing so, limit your own physical and emotional needs from getting met. So, what do you do? You look to satisfy those needs elsewhere because your spouse is the “problem” (but the problem is really you).
Those in first responder positions must rely on judgment daily—for their lives and those around them. However, this self-overreliance on self becomes a self-licking ice-cream cone because it gets quite easy to judge and criticize other people without any supporting evidence. It’s a downward spiral of maladaptive behavior.
Myth #3: “Talking doesn’t help. It’s either a waste of time or it will stir up bad stuff.”
This is typically an excuse made by guys who don’t know how to talk—or be vulnerable—because they sure as hell talk with their buddies. But the truth is that those who don’t talk about their traumatic experience(s) with their spouse actually experience greater—not less—distress1.
On the other hand, part of me agrees that talking just to talk doesn’t make any practical sense (that’s the Taurus in me). The Right Speech step of Buddhism’s noble eightfold path refers to the avoidance of harmful speech, such as lies, gossip, or divisiveness. Talking for the sake of talking has never made sense to me. Quite honestly, it’s exhausting to talk at length or to listen to other people talk (at length), but that’s just the introverted part of me. However, that doesn’t mean one should never talk, though. It just means we don't need to include every minute detail. In fact, it’s probably a good rule of thumb that if you don’t want to talk about something, then you probably should talk.
Myth #4: “I’m sick of talking about work. I’m not talking about it anymore.”
Yeah, sure you aren’t—at least not until you get back into work the next day with the boys. I get that sometimes it takes time to talk about difficult experiences and not everybody is ready immediately. In these cases, it’s important for the spouse to keep this (future) conversation on the radar, checking in occasionally to test readiness—without nagging.
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References
Kirschman, E., Kamena, M., & Fay, J. (2014). Counseling cops: What clinicians need to know. The Guilford Press.
1Davidson, A., & Moss, S. (2008). Examining the trauma disclosure of police officers to their partners and officers’ subsequent adjustment. Journal of Language and Social Psychology, 27, 51-70.