7 Myths About Anger That Keep You Down

There were many “angry” SEALs in the Teams. I put angry in quotes because anger is a secondary emotion; an external layer of protection people often use as a barrier to guard themselves against primary negative emotions like feeling disrespected, jealous, betrayed, or resentful (just to name a few).

Why do we do this? Because anger is easily controllable. Any numbnut can sit there and make themselves upset when they think of news headlines, that person who wronged you the other day, maybe your boss or coworker. Hell, it’s easy just to conjure up anger at ourselves for doing something we deemed as silly or stupid.

But anger is a façade--a “no trespassing” sign we plant between us and others (or just ourselves) to mask insecurity or discontent. Identifying oneself as angry is the weak man’s antidote for dis-ease because otherwise they’d have to face the real issue below the surface (see primary emotions above) and actually face them.

Here are a few myths I’ve discovered about anger.

Myth #1: Venting my anger is how I get rid of it.

No, it isn’t. This is a BS story people tell themselves because I’m willing to bet that spending time with someone you enjoy, taking time to do something for yourself, exercising, or sleeping well will also rid that anger but in a more productive way.

Anger begets more anger. I can’t think of one argument I’ve ever had where I said to myself, “Boy, I really feel better after listening to you scream at the top of your lungs. We should do this more often.” Instead, anger has an amplifying effect. The more anger you express, the angrier you become; the more anger you manufacture, the better you become at producing it and ignoring the parts of yourself below that superficial (i.e. secondary emotion) layer. In other words, the more you isolate your Self from your Self.

Myth #2: Angry = strong.

This is perhaps the single greatest reason why so many guys claim to be angry—because they’re insecure at their core and use anger to cover it up. They think anger makes them look tough or strong or powerful. If such people were more self-assured, they would listen more and defend less; they wouldn’t exaggerate about what others do and they’d discredit, demean, and put them down less because they’re operating from a place of strength.

Myth #3: If you don’t express your anger, people will just walk all over you.

This is an easy trap to fall into because of the bias for catastrophizing (i.e., assuming the worst). You don’t have to be a doormat to stand up for yourself; you can tell others how you feel without telling them off. Of course, the latter feels better but it’s fleeting, then the cycle continues.

Myth #4: What you see (with me) is what you get and I get angry. Deal with it.

Yes, it’s very easy to shut down and shut (people) out. Personally, I can do this at the flip of a switch but it’s not one of my superpowers I hope to pass on to my kids. The truth is, appearances can be misleading. With “angry people” there is what appears on the surface and then there’s reality:

Myth #5: My anger motivates me to do better.

So high performance depends on how angry you are? C’mon. If that were true then meditation wouldn’t be such a strong component of mental toughness, there would be no such thing as anger management programs for self-regulation, and there would be no such thing as domestic abuse because relationships would be flourishing.

The reality is that compassion, not anger, is what compels higher performance because when you forgive yourself for erroneous errors, you’re more open to learning from and embracing “failure” (which doesn’t exist, but that’s another article). Compassion allows you to learn from your mistakes and not hold yourself hostage to the absurd standards that keep you striving for more but never get there, which only leads to perpetual disappointment.

Myth #6: Anger is a human emotion, so letting it rip is okay because, well, I’m human.

Yes…but. There’s a tendency for people who subscribe to this notion to just “pop off” whenever they get something stuck up their ass. The problem with expressing in anger is that people hear your emotional drama but miss your message.

There’s a subtle distinction here that’s really, really, important to highlight when it comes to expressing anger, and that is the difference between feeling the anger and expressing it. The two are not the same nor are they inextricably linked. Feeling the anger is a normal human response to one’s lived experience and should occur; expressing that anger is communication modality built on egoic need and all the other appearances noted above. If there’s any confusion on this, please give this article another go and take notes this time.

Myth #7: If I let my spouse know how angry I am, then we’ll clear the air and be closer.

This is the exact opposite of what actually happens. See the first myth if you’re unclear on this.

The reality is, anger disconnects you from others. To give in to anger is to give in to the ego, and the ego wants nothing more than individuation; to surround itself with resolute barriers to protect itself from harm, and anger is one of the tools it uses.

The good news is, anger doesn't have to define nor control you. Anger is manageable from the inside out. In the next article for paid subscribers, I’ll share with you a practical approach to reframing these myths into helpful coping strategies.