How Warfighters Are Made

A look at what contributes to everyday 'warfighting' behavior in men

This is the third article in a series covering the differences between Warriors and Warfighters–a concept I initially proposed as metaphors for being a man. I focused exclusively on men to address the common stigma that plagues many men and adversely affects their well-being, such as:

• “Emotions are weak.”

• “Vulnerability = weakness.”

• “I am strong and independent and can handle things on my own.”

• “I don’t need help, I can figure it out.”

I did this because I got sick of the hypocrisy. If John Doe wants to avoid vulnerability for fear of what others might think, for example, then he’s personifying the very fear he’s trying to avoid. John is actually fueling that fear with his avoidant behaviors because that’s how fear works. If we look at fear through the lens of anxiety, for instance, because anxiety is a derivative of fear, we start with the anxiety trigger (see picture below), which, in this case, might be a fear of social judgment.

“If I show any vulnerability, then people will think I’m weak,” he says.

So, to avoid that unwanted feeling of weakness, John Doe chooses to not be vulnerable; to put his guard up and act like everything’s okay. By doing that, he experiences short-term relief, but the real problem is that he just validated his fear. He’s basically telling his anxiety, “Yup, you’re right! I shouldn’t be vulnerable.” He gives it more power. He’s effectively working away from the person he wants to be and is capable of being, which is someone who can live with their fears/anxiety. The more John does this, the more that anxiety gets reinforced and the more he believes his anxiety to be “right,” rather than just a voice in his head passing through. More on this in another article.

What Now?

So now a natural question after reading Warrior vs. Warfighter: The Battle Within or the subsequent article Words Evolve—and So Does the Meaning of “Warrior”, and perhaps self-identifying with some of the warfighter concepts, may be, “This is great, but how do I become a Warrior?”

When I approach a problem, I tend to work backwards, starting with what the current situation is and examining the contributing factors that led there. I also want to consider the risks, available resources, potential outcomes of various inputs, and other milieus but that’s another story. Some may call this root cause analysis, I call it practical. This is what mission planning looked like in the SEALs, and it’s a viable option for life. After all, isn’t life the ultimate mission?

Anyway, one way to understand how one might become a Warrior is by looking at the Warfighter’s behaviors and doing the opposite. However, before we get there, it also might be helpful to understand why those behaviors took root in the first place. Otherwise, we’re just putting on a behavioral band-aid that doesn’t address the source of the problem and therefore doesn’t teach us how to avoid re-creating Warfighter tendencies in the future.

Several root causes appear when we consider a Warfighter’s behaviors. But before we dive into them, I thought it would be helpful to clarify exactly what those behaviors entail–for both Warriors and Warfighters– so we know what we’re working with.

Warfighter Root Causes

Again, this is not an all-inclusive list but rather general patterns that contribute to Warfighting behavior:

Male Socialization: From a young age, boys are often taught to suppress their emotions and refrain from showing vulnerability. This emotional repression becomes a barrier to recognizing and addressing psychological pain. Boys are taught not to cry, “be tough” (whatever that means), figure things out for themselves/be independent, which only leads to isolation later. I equate this advice to what the SEAL instructors told us while going through BUD/S (SEAL training), which was, “suffer in silence.” This advice made great SEALs, but terrible civilians.

Overt vs. Covert Depression: Overt depression is the acknowledgment of sadness, withdrawal, and hopelessness, and is more commonly associated with women. Men, however, frequently associate with covert depression, which is where the symptoms of depression are masked by socially accepted or aggressive behaviors, such as anger, irritability, self-sabotage, booze/drugs/sex/gambling, or other behaviors that mask the underlying depression. The crux here is that they stay in covert depression because there’s shame associated with acknowledging they’re depressed. So now they not only feel like shit but also pile shame on top of it.

The Father-Son Dynamic: Contrary to common thinking, boys who don’t have a father to model masculinity are not impaired. Does having a strong father figure help? Yes, absolutely. But not having one isn’t an impairment. Those boys who do have fathers are happiest and most well adjusted with warm, loving fathers, which is precisely the “feminine” qualities many men were raised to avoid. The key ingredient to a healthy relationship between father and son is the father’s affection, not his toughness or masculinity. It’s the boys with abusive or neglectful fathers who fare poorly down the road psychologically. The sad fact here is that many men become not-so-good fathers because they’re trying to live up to societal notions about what makes a good one. But they’re working with the wrong data, and their sons are paying the price. To sum it up, childhood injury in boys creates both the wounds and the defenses against those wounds, which are the foundation for adult depression.

This Warrior vs. Warfighter concept is exactly what drew me into becoming a therapist. The general sense of fear that many men feel towards vulnerability, their emotions, or asking for help, for example, is exactly what holds them back from becoming optimal versions of themselves, and society suffers as a result.