Rediscovering The Self Is The Key To Rediscovering Purpose

Purpose isn't just one thing.

I recently shared a video post on LinkedIn of me doing affirmations with my (now) four-year-old daughter, Ella. In case you missed it, here it is:

Here’s the video:

The “finding purpose” part in the post reminded me of a conversation I had with a former teammate recently at the Navy SEAL Foundation Impact Forum in Washington, D.C. We were catching up over the typical “What have you been doing in the past 10 years?” conversation, talking about transition, family, BS… When we got to talking about our reasons for leaving the military, the resounding response was, “When you know, you know.”

When you know, you know.

While that is 100% true, what if you’re on the fence? What about when what you’ve been doing for so long no longer fulfills you, but you don’t know what else to do?

The problem with relying on a job to give you purpose is that the source of fulfillment is external, which means it’s conditional. You believe that as long as work exists the way it is or the way you hope or expect it to be, you’ll have purpose. But this is akin to running on the hedonic treadmill.

But what about when decisions are made that you disagree with? What if you have leaders who are afraid to make difficult decisions because they’ve never dealt with their attachment issues of people-pleasing (more on that in a future article)? What if a new CEO comes in and upturns the culture into one you dislike?

So now, one of three things can happen:

You become cynical at your current job and your performance deteriorates. You complain about your coworkers, can’t reconcile your inner conflict—the hypocrisy you feel of valuing meaningful work yet showing up daily without it—and your mental health goes to hell.

Or…

You work harder in hopes of finding “it” because you’re someone who prioritizes productivity over wellbeing. As such, the fulfillment you get from accomplishment—from more and more doing—influences your self-worth. Again, the problem here is, when will enough be enough? And what happens when you leave this job? What happens to your identity? Your sense of self?

Or…

You get so fed up with not feeling significant or fulfilled in your current job that you FINALLY decide to leave for another company while knowing deep-down that the same thing could happen. But you leave anyway, operating under the disillusionment that things will be better somewhere else.

Either way, the endstate is poorer performance after a degradation in mental health. Why? Because mental health issues arise when performance is neglected.

Mental health issues arise when performance is neglected.

The thing is, it’s not your company’s job to give you purpose. It’s yours. Nobody can give you purpose because meaning and fulfillment—that’s really what we’re talking about here—are cultivated from within. You might even say that the purpose of life is to add purpose to your life. How do we do this? Through self-discovery. Discovering ourselves allows purpose to surface naturally, and we discover ourselves by being present.

Keep in mind, too, that your purpose will change as you change. If purpose is rooted in your values, beliefs, and interests, well, those change as we grow and mature. For example, I knew it was time to leave the military because the mission no longer fulfilled me, and because it didn’t align with my values—of what was now important to me—I needed to find something that did.

Ultimately, I found purpose, but it wasn’t rooted in just one thing. What I learned was that purpose doesn't have to come from a single source. There were a few jobs I had post-military that simply did not resonate with me but I found meaning and fulfillment in other ways, ranging from competitive shooting to teaching self-defense against edged weapons, teaching concealed carry, practicing meditation and kundalini yoga, and spending time with my wife and kids—being present for and with them. In other words, if you were to take an inventory of all your life’s roles, whether it be spouse, sibling, friend, employee, hobbyist, or other, I’m willing to bet you could find something meaningful in each of those, something that piques your interest even for just a moment—relish that moment; find presence in that moment because that’s where the true You is.

I spent years searching for purpose after I left the military, and it was only after I stopped searching that I found it. When I let go of looking for purpose in a single life arena, which was work at the time, more doors opened. Why? Because resistance and acceptance can’t co-exist. Ever notice how the more you resist something, the stronger it appears, yet when you let go of it you find it everywhere? When you fight against an emotion, for example, you amplify the emotion because you’re trying to separate yourself from the experience of it. So what happens? The experience intensifies. Purpose will present itself when you stop pushing for it so hard. You just have to be present for it.

Questions for Reflection

1. What problem do you want to solve?

2. How do you know when you’re being completely authentic? When did you last feel that way?

3. What do you wish you had more time to do?

4. What would you regret not doing, being, or having in your life?

5. Think back to a time that you felt transformed. How did you change and why?

6. What advice would you give yourself 3 years ago? 3 years from now?

7. If you achieved all of your life goals tomorrow, what would you do next?