The Big Misconception About Forgiveness

There are a few reasons why blaming others and refusing to forgive doesn’t work. Let’s consider the example of Sally and George who are in a romantic relationship. Sally blames George for the lack of communication between them, complaining that he never calls her back in time, never shares anything deep enough for memorable conversations, and is generally emotionally absent.

George, on the other hand, is tired of Sally badgering him. He just wants space. Although he loves her, George feels Sally is too clingy sometimes and just needs distance. He finds long conversations exhausting so instead of diving into them, he stays at the surface in hopes that she’ll stop asking.

From Sally’s perspective, it’s George’s fault that they lack connection; in George’s opinion, it’s Sally’s fault their relationship is sour because she’s so overbearing. The truth is, it’s neither. Attributing fault is a linear approach to cause and effect ; it presupposes that 1+1=2. But in relationships of any kind, whether they be romantic, workplace, or on a team, 1+1≠2, but rather 2+. In other words, new dynamics are created that didn’t—cannot—exist on their own.

The big misconception about forgiveness is that a single person is to blame, that fault resides at the hands of one.

Before holding onto anger, consider these three reasons why forgiving isn’t about the other person:

1. It’s the system, stupid.

I love attachment theory. It explains so much about the relational decisions we make, careers we choose, religious affiliation, reactions to stress, friend and partner selection, and more. Because of the extensive research behind it, attachment theory is considered the most empirically supported theory for understanding how close interpersonal relationships form throughout adulthood. A full description of all the attachment styles is beyond the scope of this article, so for now, just the highlights.

Attachments are formed by ages 3 to 4. There are two types of attachments, secure and insecure—with three subcategories of insecure that I’ll cover in a future article. Generally speaking, if your parents or caretaker helped you feel safe and understood as a child, if they responded to your cries and interpreted your emotional and physical needs accurately and provided a space for co-regulation, then you likely have a secure attachment. As an adult this translates into self-confidence, being trusting of others and yourself, an ability to handle conflict in a healthy manner, and a willingness to be vulnerable with others.

If, on the other hand, your needs were consistently unmet; if you experienced confusion, fear, inconsistent support or communication, or generally were unable to soothe because your parents/caretaker didn’t or couldn’t attend to your needs or even theirs, you likely have an insecure attachment. Insecure children become insecure adults who don’t understand their own emotions or those of other people, have difficulty connecting with others, avoid intimacy, are constantly anxious, or feel clingy or fearful in relationships. Of note, insecurely attached people may be self-confident in certain areas of life out of an unwillingness to rely on anyone else.

How attachment styles fit into forgiveness is this: