The Impossible Union Of Love And Fear
The Good News Is, There Are Only Two Types
In a recent interview I did on the
podcast (and yes, I realize how crazy I look in that thumbnail), I talked about how love and fear cannot co-exist. I’ve also mentioned this in several articles like This Is The Hidden Antidote To Dis-Ease, Why Fear Grows In The Dark But Shrinks In The Light, and Give Anxiety a Purpose, but I realized (thanks to some feedback, you know who you are!)—that this notion isn’t really intuitive. After all, any married reader out there will attest to feeling frustrated (frustration is a derivative of fear) with their spouse at times but still loving them as a person. Allow me to explain.Think of fear and love not solely as emotions but as energies because that’s what we’re really comprised of anyway. For example:
Fear binds, love unbinds.
Fear closes off, love opens up.
Fear restricts, love avails.
Fear is limiting, love is boundless.
Fear weighs you down, love frees you up.
Fear attacks, love amends.
Fear destroys, love creates.
Fear hoards, holds onto, contracts, shuts us down, closes, avoids. Love opens, lets go, expands, opens, shares, connects, embraces.
In any given moment, we choose how to spend our energy—sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. In the example above of a couple arguing, when you’re in the heat of battle with your spouse while arguing for why you are right and they are wrong, in what direction would you say your energy is directed? Inward. It’s directed back in to you as a means of protecting and defending the all-too-fragile ego. Your energy during an argument is certainly not focused on the outwardly reception of what your spouse has to say because doing so would make you feel less protected. This fear-driven energy creates individuation and separation—the opposite of a healthy union and therefore directly contrary to the innately human need of belonging—rather than connection that stems from the love-bound energy.
As a side note, I just want to emphasize how much I NEVER, in my wildest dreams, EVER expected to be a former Navy SEAL talking about love, connection, and energy. That is all.
At no moment can you exert both energies simultaneously. You can’t expand and contract at the same time. You can’t close yourself off while feeling expansive. You can’t attack and amend at the same time (although this one may be arguable because it sure felt great putting bad guys down overseas. But I would also argue that these energies weren’t directed toward the same person, which is why this notion still holds true. In other words, I wasn’t trying to amend things with the enemy while also attacking them). This is why love and fear cannot coexist.
Anyway, herein lies the beauty of what these energies brings. When you break down intention (because that’s really the driving force behind these energies) into fear or love, then being--and its subsequent actor of doing--becomes far simpler to accept and enjoy. In this space of intention is also where manifestation lies, but that’s a different topic for another article.
Every human thought, word, or deed is based in one emotion or the other. You have no choice about this, because there is nothing else from which to choose. But you have free choice about which of these to select.
- Neale Donald Walsch
I personally believe the majority of people unknowingly struggle with being themselves, primarily because they don’t know themselves. The struggle of attachment vs. authenticity is an unconscious war within the self whose odds of winning are slim to none given our instinct for survival. The result? We become less of who we are and, as a result, enact fear barriers along the way—shutting down, avoiding, constructing emotional barriers, always striving to be “right” (which makes the other person “wrong,” therefore creating separation), or any litany of behaviors designed to keep ourselves safe.
It takes courages—GUTS!—to unshackle ourselves from the fear-based intentions we developed over the years to keep ourselves safe. All it takes is a little mindfulness and concerted effort to redirect your energy expenditure toward the things and people important to you. You’ll be surprised how this subtle shift impacts how you feel.
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Like Jeff, I was a tough Navy SEAL. Then my wife got Alzheimer's. I found - through trial and error, mostly error - that I had to change my fear/love balance. She can hear me, but she cannot speak. I dropped the fear and starting pouring out a constant steam of love. I also discovered the power of vulnerability. I am sharing my experience in every way I can - through talking to anyone who will listen, and by writing a memoir about our Alzheimer's journey. I am a stronger person because of this ordeal. My marriage, in some ways, has never been better.