Control Isn’t The Solution. It’s The Very Essence Of The Problem
In my article about Imposter Syndrome I highlighted emotional avoidance as the number one reason people come into therapy. It’s normal to have unwanted or uncomfortable feelings and want to avoid them because, well, who likes feeling like shit?
But we can’t just push away anxiety or depression or sadness or guilt or shame.
Remember in the old days how a bad guy in the movies would chase a good guy, and they’d both somehow run into quicksand? They’d submerge right up to their chins gasping for air and reluctant to move until the bad guy (typically) panics and begins moving around frantically trying to pull himself out of the sinking mess, only to be sucked back down into it, leaving nothing but his hat on the surface…and bubbles.
Meanwhile, the good guy takes a slower, more methodical approach. Instead of swimming aggressively to try to escape the quicksand, he acknowledges the predicament he’s in and moves ever…so…slowly…and eventually pulls himself out.
The thing is, both characters recognized they were stuck, except one resisted his stuckness and the other acknowledged it—and the acknowledgment paid off.
In quicksand, immediately struggling to escape is a natural, knee-jerk reaction, but it’s also the worst thing one can do (at least in the movies). Every instinct tells you to fight your way out—fast!—because if you don’t you’ll drown. But what happens is the bad guys don’t drown from the quicksand, they drown from their struggle.
The Mind As A Problem-Solving Machine
The mind, as you well know, is a problem-solving machine. We (humans) have this uncanny ability to anticipate and solve problems. Got icy steps and worry about falling? Salt will take care of that. Dog barking incessantly? Put him outside (or hold him upside down if he’s small enough, that’s a pro tip for ya). Raining like crazy out? Get an umbrella, wait until it clears, or find some shelter.
This approach works well in the external world but applying this problem-solving approach to one’s internal world isn’t so easy. The abstract world of thoughts, feelings, urges, and memories makes problem-solving in this manner impossible, because when we try to avoid or ignore unwanted internal suffering, we only create more suffering, and we sink deeper into our own quicksand. What we resist, will persist.
Take addiction, for instance. Addiction serves as an escape from the moment, from whatever uncomfortable thoughts or feelings come up like boredom, isolation, or depression. But that addiction—whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, or rumination—becomes the go-to tactic to get rid of those unwanted [thoughts/feelings…]—because it does work. That drink does offer a means of control—in the short term. But the more energy spent on trying to avoid that suffering, the more suffering ensues in the long term.
Anxiety is another example. I can’t think of one client I’ve had who didn’t suffer from anxiety. Not one. Everybody’s trying to get away from it without stopping to think why anxiety is there in the first place. Anxiety keeps us safe if we’re taking too long to cross the street. It helps us perform under pressure to a certain extent (known as the Yerkes-Dodson law). It wakes us up in the middle of the night if we hear a noise. Anxiety is normal—in healthy doses. Copious amounts of anxiety, however, are not helpful. Take general anxiety disorder (GAD), for example. At the epicenter of GAD is the quicksand effect: a fixation on striving to get out of it. The more one fixates on avoiding their anxiety, the more anxiety develops about the anxiety.
So, what do you do? If control is a “thing” for you and giving it up feels scary (or if your initial response to reading that was “Oh, I’m not doing that”), then my next article for paid subscribers will share a few strategies on how to climb out of this self-imposed quicksand.
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Great article, Jeff. Now that you're working with law enforcement, I'm sure you're seeing that sense of control even more clearly—because that's what they're constantly doing: solving problems as fast as they can (with ten more calls waiting on the board) for people who can't solve them on their own. It's hard to turn that off when they get "off" work.
"my next article for paid subscribers will share a few strategies"
I'd be curious to know how this strategy for building up paid subscribers is working for you, Jeff.